pruett’s blog

In 1991, at the age of 15, I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease.  Inflammatory bowel disease is a chronic inflammatory condition of the digestive tract. Ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease are forms of inflammatory bowel disease. Ulcerative colitis involves inflammation of the inner lining of the colon and rectum. Crohn's disease may involve inflammation anywhere in the digestive tract from the mouth to the rectum.  Over the years my doctors have been uncertain which form of this disease I had; however, the treatments for both are similar.  I have taken medicine since my diagnosis, and have had periods where the disease has been really well controlled.  One of the treatments I have used off and on for several years is steroid enemas.  Isn't that lovely?  I share this because I have not-so-fond memories of hiding my enemas under my bed as a teenager to avoid the embarrassment of my friends finding out there was something different about me (especially something involving POOP.....who wants their friends to know that they POOP a lot?).  Anyway, I had a great doctor and great family support.  I had to have colonoscopy screenings every couple of years.  Anyone who has had a colonoscopy knows just how unpleasant it is.  The prep is awful, the drugs are awful, waiting for biopsy results is awful....all in all, it's just not my favorite thing.

As an adult, I have had several periods of remission.  I had some trouble in college; but, I was relatively healthy through all three of my pregnancies.  The past few years, however, have not been easy.  I have had months at the time where I cannot leave the house much because of flare-ups.  Just recently I suffered with a low-grade fever for five months.  This would not pose such a problem if I wasn't the mother of three children.  The children have done really well adjusting to the situation, and they never complained a lot about not getting to do everything they wanted to do, but it hurts my heart, as their mother, that they have been hindered by my health. For these reasons, after these most difficult months, I decided that my medicines were not working, and I decided to be more aggressive with finding a solution.

I am very good at holding it together and pretending that all is well when I need to (this comes as no surprise to those who know me well).  This June Jon took the trip of a lifetime.  He went Halibut fishing in Alaska with his dad. I was not feeling well at all, but I was not going to let him think he needed to stay home.  During the same week, my mom went to the beach with my aunt, and my mother-in-law took William to visit his aunt and cousins in Charlotte.  I convinced myself that I was fine and could handle being home alone.  I put on my "I feel good" face and trudged on. The week began just a "normal" week.  I did not feel well, but I did what I needed to do.  Jackson went to Yellow Jacket Football Camp, and Rese just hung out at home with me.  Throughout this week, however, my condition seemed to worsen.  I could tell that this was not just my ordinary "sick".  My fever went from low-grade to not-so-low-grade, and all I seemed to be able to do was lie in my bed (very close to the little girls' room, of course).  I decided, probably because I was alone and had no one to whine to, to call my doctor and confess what I had been going through for the past several months.  His suggestion.....admission to the hospital for diagnostic tests and antibiotics to get the fever under control. WHAT?  HOSPITAL? EVERYONE IS OUT OF TOWN!  I called my dear friend, Kristen, and she talked me through it.  She offered to come to the house and keep Jackson and Rese for me.  I also had friends offer to get Jackson to and from camp and keep Rese during the day while Kristen worked.  This was an incredible blessing.  God has given us friends who love our children as their own, and without them, this hospital visit would've been out of the question (since I am a bit of a freak about who I leave my children with).  I made the decision to be admitted, and the ball started rolling from there.

Another dear friend, Amie, offered to take me to the hospital and stay with me while I got settled.  She sat with me for several hours and made sure I was well taken care of.  I was insistent that I was fine by myself, by my Journey Team ladies would have no part of that.  They took turns sitting with me to keep me company and to make sure I didn't need anything. It was a great comfort to me.  I was able to assure Jon, every time we spoke, that I was well taken care of and didn't need a thing. I kept this up for a few days.  I had a CT scan, x-rays, blood tests, medicines, and a surgery consult.  I had a surgeon, Dr. Mallory Lawrence, come in to talk with me about surgical options for Inflammatory Bowel Disease.  We talked about several different types of surgery, as well as the recovery process for each. Dr. Lawrence seemed like a great surgeon; however, he seemed like an even better man of God.  He asked me, before leaving my room, if I knew Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  At that moment I was assured I was in good hands.  He went on to tell me that as a doctor he knows that only God gave him the ability to treat and cure his patients.  I burst into tears, and I felt the comfort with him that I feel with my own family members.  I knew that he would take great care of me, and that he would pray through the entire process.

At this point, things began to happen rather quickly.  I met with the doctor on Wednesday, and I was on the schedule for surgery on Friday.  Talk about no time to process!  That actually turned out to be a blessing.  God's timing is so perfect.  Yes, despite most of my family being out of town, His timing was perfect. I had researched my surgical options a lot in the past, and I knew how involved and serious they were.  Given the time to go home and "think about it," I am sure I would not have gone back.  The surgery that was best for me was a total colectomy with a loop ileostomy and j-pouch.  In layman's terms that means that Dr. Lawrence was to remove my entire colon and pull down part of my small intestine to form a pouch, which would serve as my new rectum (TMI, I know, but no other way to present).  This surgery is a two-part surgery.  The ileostomy is a three month process, and then it is closed and heals and I will "go" using my newly formed parts.

Surgery day came, and I was more at peace than I ever thought I would be (I have a feeling that my many medications helped with the anxiety that could have been).  Jon and my Mom were allowed to go to the surgical holding area with me, which was really comforting, and then, when it was time for me to go into the actual OR, they had to go to a waiting area.  My reason for sharing this is this: Dr. Lawrence initiated a word of prayer with us before taking me into surgery.  He didn't ask if he could pray, he told us that he was going to pray.  It was so cool to me to watch everyone in the room, anesthesiologist, nurse anesthetist, OR nurse, etc..., stop what they were doing and bow their heads.  At that moment my worries were wiped away.  Again, I was assured that the Lord had sent this man, his servant, to cure my of this life altering disease and give me new life.  I felt the presence of God.

The first couple of days post-op were not very much fun at all.  I was hooked up to all sorts of stuff....I had a pump for pain medicine, an oxygen mask to make sure that my saturation didn't drop as a result of too much pain medicine, an IV for antibiotics and fluids, a Jackson Pratt drain to drain the area around my incision, a foley catheter, and of course, last but certainly not least, an ileostomy bag.  I hurt worse than I have ever in my life, and no part of me wanted to move any part of my body.  Of course, the way to get better and get out was to WALK WALK WALK!  That was certainly not my favorite, considering how badly it hurt just to stand, take one step, and sit in a reclining chair.  Anyway, I did the walking, and it did help.  I was released the forth day after surgery.  I was prepared to be inpatient for at least seven days, and I went home on day four....in the morning!  We were pumped!

At home, I have only had to worry about getting better and getting my strength back.  My family and friends have taken great care of me, and I have had a lot of time to get used to this different way of living.  The largest adjustment has of course been having an ostomy bag.  It is not something that I ever thought I could "handle," but it hasn't been as bad as I imagined it would be.  I got used to applying the bag and caring for the bag within the first week or so, and now, seven weeks later, it is second nature.

I thought, all along, that this would really limit my activities and keep me hidden in my home, but just the opposite is true.  Just for an example, I have had the bag for seven weeks, and two of those weeks were spent at the beach....yes, on the beach, in a bathing suit. I think it is safe to say that not one person looked at me and knew that I had a plastic, poop carrying appliance taped to my body!  LOL! I have had a couple of little accidents that God kept from being not-so-small accidents, but I have had to laugh and have fun with them.  The most important think I have learned throughout this process is that I have to laugh.  Crying is no fun, and laughing is....so the choice is a no-brainer.

My point in sharing all of this is....I know someone who reads this will be going through, or know someone who is going through this same process. It can be a very lonely place, but I have been blessed with really close friends, whom God gave me a long time ago, who have been able to share their experiences and their tears with me.  That excites me so much!  I know that God has someone out there who needs my experience to encourage them along the way.  I am so sure of this that I have begun compiling lists of "do's," and "don'ts" that the doctors and nurses don't necessarily tell you.  I am ready.  

One of my favorite verses in James 1 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials and temptations of many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." My faith has not been tested, because I always knew He was with me, but I do feel that my perseverance has made me more mature and complete.  God has shown me what He has spoken to me so many times.  I knew all along that good would come from this, that I could glorify Him through this.  And now, as the time is coming, I am excited about what opportunities this maturity will provide me.  I cannot wait to share his love and strength with someone else.  I will keep you all posted.  "Greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done...".

Love to you all.  Thanks for reading, and reading, and reading, and reading....long-winded tonight!

I learned a verse some time ago, and I cling to it often.  James 1:1-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  As often as I am reminded of this verse, I think of how contradictory it sounds from a worldly perspective.  Our culture doesn't tell us to persevere through trials, it tells us to fix them and forget them.  We are to hurry through the bad to get to the good.  But read those words again...we are to consider our trials to be pure joy.  In other words, we are to rejoice in them and know that God, the Creator of all things, is going to teach us through them.  Without going through the trenches, we cannot be complete.

So, God wants us to be complete.  Just as His work was made complete through Jesus.  Without the crucifixion, there would be no resurrection.  There would be no reason to celebrate.  There would be no completion.  No one knows this joy in trials like God knows it.  His design for us was made complete in His sacrificing His only son on a cross.  He nailed His son to a cross and watched him die so that we could live forever with Him in paradise...and he considered this pure joy.  God will never ask us to make the same sacrifice that He made for us, but He will allow us to feel the pain of trials so that He can watch us grow closer to Him and expand His kingdom.

I have talked with Melissa a lot through this journey, and I have seen faith, and I have seen perseverance.  From the moment she got the first test results, despite many emotional ups and downs, Melissa knew that God had a purpose for this sweet little life.  We have talked a lot about how God may use these circumstances to further His kingdom, and how one day He will provide her with the opportunity to share this experience with someone who needs to know the grace of God.  In certain conversations I even recall hearing excitement in her voice as she anticipated what would come of it all. As a mother, this faith and strength has amazed me.  Our hearts are not designed to deal with this type of pain; however, we have a Comforter we can always turn to.  I praise God for coming in and changing the lives and hearts of this family, and preparing and equipping them for this hardship.  Just yesterday Melissa and I had a great conversation.  Our question to each other was, "How do people do this if they don't know or haven't received the gift that God has to offer us through the crucifixion and resurrection?" 

I know that our God is a God of compassion, and I know that it pains him to watch as our hearts break over this sweet baby; however, I also know that He rejoices in knowing how much closer we all are to Him through our knowing that she is now in His care.  Sofia was loved so much during her short time here with us, but we cannot even begin to understand the love that He has for her.  He and only He can take care of her and use her for the complete purposes of His design.  Neil and Melissa's willingness to place this in His hands and allow Him to have complete control is such a great witness.  I know that the road will be long and hard, and that their emotions will take them for quite a ride, but the hope that they have will sustain them...the hope that only He can give.  I close with this passage from Lamentations.  Lamentations 3:21-24 says, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" I wait with great anticipation and excitement to see what the Lord has planned for the life and legacy of Evelyne Sofia Gordon.

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him...

So lately I have been struggling a lot with self-image.  No surprise that a woman living in today's culture would have that problem, huh? Anyway, I have been diving into scripture trying to find verses about beauty and worth and such things....And what I have found is totally more than I was looking for.  For starters, God, the creator of the universe, the most beautiful of all beautiful, created me in HIS image.  God saw the wonder of the moon and the stars and the sun and the clouds, and all of the beautiful plants of the earth, and the creatures of the land.......and that wasn't sufficient.  All of that beauty, all of those things that we look to in awe.....wasn't complete.  He saved his most beautiful creation for last.  Man, His most beautiful creation, He saved for last.

Fast forward to today....we search the world over to find ways to make ourselves more beautiful.  Plastic surgery, expensive clothes, medicines, creams, cosmetics, all are available to make us "pretty."  We have been trained to believe that beauty comes at a price, and we should never stop seeking to be more and more "beautiful" in the sight of those around us. Eating disorders and exercise addiction run rampant.  We are willing, at the risk of good health, to go after "beauty" with everything we've got.  What does this say about the beauty that comes from being created in God's own image?  Are we saying that's not beautiful enough?  Sort of seems that we are.

I want to get past the feelings that I am not good enough, or pretty enough, or tall enough, or thin enough, or that I don't have the best skin or the perfect eyes, or the nicest hair....I want to quit comparing myself to other women who do have what I think is great "beauty." I don't want to stop trying to look nice, but I do want to stop the negative thoughts that race through my head every time I walk past a mirror or see a picture of myself.  I want to be confident in my beauty that comes from being created in God's image.  So here's what's working in my life to move me in that direction.....

I'm reading a book in Journey team entitiled, "All I need is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans."  The second chapter of the book is "I am not a Supermodel."  See where this is going? In 1 Timothy 2:9-10, Paul speaks to women about the source of their beauty (yes, this is a timeless struggle).  Paul says, "And I want women to be modest in their appearance.  They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do."  My, how we often miss the boat on that one!  Our bodies are His temples, and we are to take care of them and enjoy the physical beauty that they hold, but our real beauty is to come from within.  In this book, Susanna Aughtmon goes on to say, "The image we portray draws attention to ourselves.  The way we act, the way we love, the attitudes we embrace, have the ability to draw attention to God.  And while there is nothing wrong with taking care of our appearance, our ultimate goal is to use our lives to point others to Christ."

So I reflect on this for a while, trying to embrace it, but still struggling with not measuring up and not identifying myself as beautiful.  And then, a guest speaker comes to talk to our Journey Team about condemnation.  He points out, at the end of his talk, a verse in Philippians, that he challenges us to tattoo on our hearts.  As Paul speaks to the Philippians he says, "Finally, brothes, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you (4:8-9)."  I came home and studied the words of these verses, and I made a list of ways that God created me to be noble, right, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  In looking at my list, something "clicked, " and I understood "making myself attractive by the good things I do." 

In this, a verse that I memorized in college comes back to life for me. Here's the short version....

I was smitten with a really cute guy who was in a lot of my classes with me.  He was a great guy, who knew the Lord, and whose mission it was to share Him with others.  We got along great.  We laughed and talked, and he seemed to take interest in me as a person.  Having never experienced this type of "friendship," I interpreted it as something it wasn't.  I was sure that he wanted to date me.  One day in class, he leaned over and wrote something on the cover of my notebook.  The words, "Proverbs 31:30" stared at me until I could get home and see what it meant.  Was he telling me that he "liked" me? 

The verse reads, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."  That truth stung like nothing had before.  I was humbled beyond belief. I knew what he was telling me, and it wasn't that he "liked" me.  I have never forgotten that verse.  It is forever tatooed on my heart.  And each time I start to struggle with how I "look," the humility I felt that day comes back to me.  I can try and try and try to be beautiful in the eyes of this world, but my true beauty and worth comes from letting God shine from inside.

I ramble, but I am done!  Thanks for listening.

Why do we struggle so much with forgiveness?  This question has been on my mind a lot lately.  I do not struggle with forgiving others, who have sinned against me, I struggle with forgiving myself of the sins I commit/have committed.  It is in our nature, as humans, to hold on to things of the past.  We claim and cling to the promise of God's forgiveness and eternal life through the death and resurrection of His son, but we cannot forgive ourselves for not living up to our perfect standards set for ourselves?  What sense does this make?

I've been studying the life of David for quite some time, and what a better example of God's grace and forgiveness?  Here is a man who God appointed to rule over His people.  He is called "a man after God's own heart."  Anyway, just because he was God's "chosen" didn't mean that he was somehow deserving.  David comitted the same sins that many people struggle with today.  He saw a beautiful lady, Bathsheba, and he had to have her.  Not only did he commit adultery with this beautiful lady, he committed adultery with this beautiful lady who was the wife of one of his soldiers, fighting for his cause.  Not only did he commit adultery with his soldier's wife, he also fathered her child.  Not only did he father her child, he also had her husband killed in combat so he could take her as his wife....and for all this.....HE WAS FORGIVEN!  God's forgiveness has no stipulations.  As children of God, acknowledging our need for His salvation, we are given this free gift.  God knows we are going to mess up, and He is there to help us pick up the pieces when we come to him with a pure heart.

God did not choose blameless, pure, people without fault to rule His kingdom; He chose us.  What separates us and David, his chosen king, is that we acknowledge that Jesus died for a purpose, and that purpose was that we have eternal life.  Without his death and resurrection, we would be dead in our transgressions.  Through his death and resurrection, we are "saints who sometimes sin."  It is normal for us to stumble, but so important that when we stumble, we allow ourselves to fall on our knees.

God expects us to "fogive as He forgave us."  In context, this verse refers to forgiving others that you have grievances with; however, I can't help but think that God has the same expectation for us forgiving ourselves.  If we hold on to sin, we allow sin to hold on to us.  If we forgive ourselves, learn whatever lessons He has for us through our indescretions, and move on down the path toward righteousness, then we are better equipped to use our experiences for the betterment of others....Isn't that our ultimate calling as Christians...to spur others along using what God teaches us?

Holding on to guilt and shame keep us from spurring others along.  If we treat our sins as things we should store away as guilt in the pockets of our minds, we don't allow God to use them to work His wonders.  Jesus died for a great purpose!  Let's not rob blessings by holding on to guilt.

Ephesians 5:23-28

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In the saw way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  he who loves his wife loves himself. 

What a high calling goldy men have to love their husbands as our Savior loved his church.  I am honored to have a husband who leads our family using God's Word and His promises as a guide.  Today is our ninth anniversary, and I want to share some verses that tell how Jon is a blessing to me...

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men...

I Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient; love is kind.  it doesn not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails....

Colossians 3:19 Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourself.

Mark 12:30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength....Love your neighbor as yourself.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you hope and a future.

God has blessed my life with an amazing man.  He made us for each other, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I love him for giving me the life I never thought I deserved and for loving me in a way that I never knew was possible.  I love him for being the father of my children and for having the wisdom to raise them to be passionate followers of Christ.  Jon shows me, every day, how to love and to be loved. I don't tell him enough just what a blessing he is to me, but I thank God every day for crossing our paths.  It is my prayer that everyone finds the one person who God designed for them.  There is no happiness like the happiness of being in a loving marriage with Him at the center.

Then he turned to his disciples and said privately, "Blessed are the eyes that see what you see.  For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it." Luke 10:23-24

God has been tugging at me for quite some time to slow down so that I don't miss out on the precious moments of life.  He keeps telling me to enjoy each moment of what I have today because tomorrow may bring something different.  Well, as the story goes, I have battled the "slow down" with "how can I get it all done?"  A few weeks ago, when taking my kids to a play date, late of course, God decided to show me what He's been trying to tell me.  We were in a hurry, as we are many times trying to get somewhere, and I was in the usual "hurried mom mood," fussing at the kids for every little thing.  As we turned in the driveway, my hurry came to a halt.  God said to me, "Jennifer, you can't hurry down a dirt road, or you'll slide off and come to a complete stop."  I had to slow down; I didn't have a choice.  As simple as the reminder, it really made an impression on me.

I don't want my life to be full of missed opportunities.  I don't want to be the person who doesn't see and hear what God can do through me.  I want to be like Jesus' disciples who took life slowly, watching and listening intently to all He had to offer the world through them.  My prayer is that I will never forget the bumpy dirt road that we traveled that day.  I desire God's words, "you cannot hurry down a dirt road," to stay with me in each precious moment of my life.

Wow!  Someone is really getting a good chuckle from the circumstances of my day today.  Have you ever had a day when you were convinced that someone was following you with a hidden camera recording your reactions to your encounters in life?  Well....today is one of those for me.  This morning started out really well.  I actually got up on time, got lunches made, got the kids ready for school, and got to work with Jackson on time.  Yea me, right?  Well, not so much.  About mid-morning I got a call from a friend asking me to deliver Valentines to our homeschool caregroup Valentine party since she was unable to attend.  It wasn't until that moment that I remembered that we too had valentine cards to prepare.  We ran out to the store, got the cards, and brought them home to fix before the party...all 100 of them (since I have three kids).  Anyway, that was only the tip of the iceberg.  Jackson and I continued with a good school morning, we picked up the other kids, and we came home to get working on the cards.  We started the cards at 1:15, and the party started at 2:00.  Plenty of time, right?  Again, not so much.  We left the house at 2:15, yelling and sceaming, of course, because we were in a hurry.  By the way, when I am in a hurry, it is everyone's fault but my own.  I read the directions to the party and we headed out.  I didn't need to print the directions, because I knew them in my head.  Did I mention that I am directionally challenged?  Well, as the story goes, we headed out Martintown Road.  We drove and drove and drove, did a U-turn and drove some more, turned around again and drove some more, and then stopped on the side of the road.  No cell phone service to call and ask for directions, no printed email telling me the directions....just me and what I "knew in my head."  We were a good 30 minutes from home, and I was no closer to the party than I was when I left the house.  I started back toward North Augusta until I finally got a cellphone signal.  Jon was able to Google the person hosting the party and tell me the street address.  It turns out (no pun intended) that I had not gone far enough.  I got back on the right track, and after passing the drive way only once more, pulled in.  We were finally there!  What I didn't mention before is that, before the party, Jackson had gotten in trouble for being mean to William.  His punishment....he couldn't go to the party.  We traveled all that way to drop off our Valentines.  Yeah, you heard me...to drop off the little cards and stickers that we bought at the Dollar Tree.  Had we not been delivering for someone else as well, we would not have made the stinkin' trip, I assure you.  Anyway, I got out of the car, took the Valentines to the table, and explained that we could not stay.  All the while I was thinking in my head, "are you kidding me?  Are you really going to drive all this way and not stay?"  I had to stick to my guns.  I was not backing down.  I was going to teach Jackson a lesson even if it meant making myself CRAZY!  And CRAZY I was, indeed.  I got myself back in the car, proud of my efforts at discipline, and sighed a sigh of relief.  Finally, we were on our way back home.....so I thought!  The best part of this story....I turned the wrong way out of the driveway and drove all the way to Edgefield before I realized I was headed in the wrong direction.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I hope someone finds a bit of joy in my suffering! :)

I have to steal a few lines from Ginger Plowman..."If I have to answer one more insignificant question, wipe on more runny nose, or bandage one more boo-boo today, I'm going to pull out my hair...and maybe also the hair of whoever is standing close by!"

In her book, "Don't Make Me Count to Three," she then discusses what her life was like before children.  This led me to do the same.  Throughout high school and college, I worked for a large OB/GYN practice in Augusta.  I did a little bit of everything, learning some awesome skills and the meaning of hard work. After graduating college, with a degree in Biology, I went to work for an environmental analytical laboratory.  Sounds fancy, but I was a bookkeeper...nothing scientific, for sure.  I did not find great meaning in that line of work, so I then sought out other avenues.  I had an offer to go and do research at MCG.  The thought was grand....I would get to be the "scientist" that I was trained to be, right? Wrong....very wrong!  I worked at one of the rat labs.  It was my job to feed, clean up after, and monitor vitals on big ugly white rats.  Not so grand afterall.  One day, when I entered to transport my friends from their holding room to the lab, one had escaped his cage and was staring me in the face when I opened the door.  I bet you can guess that was the end of my "rat girl" phase.  Next, I went to work as a pharmaceutical sales representative.  Finally, a rewarding, fun, and well-paying job!  Just one problem....I Hated It!  I begged Jon everyday to let me quit and be a stay-at-home wife (becasue we didn't have kids at the time).  He didn't really go for that.  I was not able to quit until I found something else.  I looked everywhere, and finally decided to go back to school.  I was going to be a high school science teacher.  Finally, I would get to use that college education I worked so hard for.  I took all of my classes, made excellent grades, and signed up to student teach....at Butler High School.  I went the first day and was scared out of my wits.  I was a young, 25 year old girl in an environment very foreign to me (I guess  you could say I have lived a bit of a sheltered life in that respect).  Anyway, as the story goes, I decided that teaching wasn't for me.  Agan, Jon was so proud! :)  Finally, I got a phone call from a friend asking if I would like to fill in for an instructor on maternity leave from Augusta Tech.  I jumped on the opportunity.  Of all the jobs I had, it was my favoite.  What happened next?  I got pregnant, of course.  I had Jackson and had the intention of going back to work.  I worked part-time for the doctor's office again, and part-time for Augusta Tech.  Everything was perfect....I had jobs I enjoyed, I had a great husband, I had a beautiful baby boy, and I had grandparents who were willing to keep Jackson for me. Great, right???? Well, I cried every day.  Again, I begged Jon to let me quit.  This time.....he agreed. 

Okay, long story, but here's the good part.  All the years of feeling like I did not have a true calling in my life now made sense.  I did have a calling.  It wasn't to be a teacher, a salesperson, a scientist, a nurse, a teacher, or an office manager...it was to be a mommy.  I have been home ever since.  Now I am home with three kids full time. Like the quote at the beginning of my post says, often times I feel that the work I do is very insignificant and without reward.  I fall into the trap of feeling like I am not a complete woman becasue I am not a career woman.  I feel less respected than those women who choose to work outside of the home.  I lose my identity in my identity of a wife and mother.  For so long, I have let this get me down, but I am praying a lot and realizing that I am fulfilling my calling of God for my life.  He did not allow me to find great joy in any of my career choices because He wanted me to be something else.  I am fianlly realizing what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't need to clutter my life with trying to be someone or something that I am not just so I will look more "important" in the world.  My importacne comes from following God's lead in this.

Ginger Plowman, in her book, goes on to say, "Sometimes I feel like just getting dressed and making it through the day is all I ever accomplish.  'Isn't there somehting more that you wanted me to do today, Lord?' Finally, I hear that still, small voice.  I may not have found a cure for cancer or conquered world hunger, but......I had teh privelege of listening to the hopes and dreams of a handsome young man who thinks I'm the greatest woman in the world....Yes, the greatest accomplishment today was nuturing the precious children that God gave me...When we respond to the high calling of motherhood with passion, the rewards are far greater than any we could ever gain outside of that calling.

Thanks for listening.

I have been a bit burdened by worry and stress for the past couple of weeks.  I am reading through a 90-day Beth Moore "David" study, and yesterday's reading was about our short-sighted attitudes, and how they get in the way of our true treasures.  After completing the devotion, I was led to write a prayer to God.  Just want to share my heart in case anyone else struggles with sweating the small stuff.  Here goes....

Father God,

Help me to keep sight of my eternal treasure in heaven.  Help me to remember that in you and through you all things are possible.  When I get down and troubled by the worries of my day-to-day life, I pray that you would send me a gentle reminder that you are in control.  You give me each and every circumstance to serve a specific purpose.  Your word tells me that I am to consider it pure joy when I face trials and temptations because they produce perseverance.  Lord, let me be reminded that perseverance is necessary for your work to be completed in me.  Lord, I want to use the lessons learned from trials and temptations to bless you.  I want to share what you have taught me with others who might be going through the same things.  Help me to keep my focus above and not on earthly circumstances.  Lord, when things get tough, and I am overtaken by anxiety and stress, help me to claim your promise in Philippians, that I can do everything through you and the strength that you give to me.  Lord, remind me that I don't have to work for that strength, as it is a free gift from you.  Lord, if I remember and claim that promise, I can do everything.  I pray that I would keep these words tattooed on my heart and use them to turn away feelings of anxiousness, inadequacy, overwhelmedness, and fear.  I pray that I would turn from those emotions and have great joy in knowing that you promise to remain in control.  Lord, keep me mindful of my words and my actions, and help me remember to seek you in all decisions.  All of my decisions have consequences, and if I seek your advice, and follow your lead, all things will end in a way that will somehow glorify your name and your kingdom.

Thank you for loving me and for desiring that I share my heart with you.  Thank you for your strength.  thank you for your wisdom, thank you for your direction.  Lord, may I seek you with my whole heart.

Amen

Wow! So much to say here.  I am not sure that my blog is to serve as my confessional, but I need a record of deliverance.  I have really been struggling lately.  I have allowed the busyness of this world (of being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a leader, a friend, etc...) to open a door to selfishness and self pity.  I have allowed the world to get me down and keep me from looking up.  This morning, after a long night of tears and soul searching, I decided to sit down with Him and let Him speak to my heart.  I have several books in front of me right now (not surprising to many of you), and the first one I picked up is a journey through the Psalms...a plea for the Lord to be a place of refuge.  I go through the book one chapter at a time (again, not surprising to many of you), and today's led me to Psalm 6.  The last part of this Psalm says, "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.  My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes...The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my paryer."  This really speaks to exactly where I am.  For so long, I have set expectations for myself that I cannot possibly meet.  I have gotten caught up in the "if I sin, I fall short of the glory of God" attitude.  Just today I came to terms with truth.  God knows I am a sinner, and He doesn't expect me to be deserving of His glory.  If I never stumbled, Jesus would've died for nothing.  He doesn't want perfection, he wants confession.  He wants me to come before Him humbly and ask for His direction.  This is what draws me closer to Him.  Anyway, instead of weeping and seeking to be everything to everyone, I need to focus on being who He wants me to be.  I need to give it all to Him and let Him mold me and direct me.  I accept that in order to be the wife I am meant to be, I need to seek His guidance.  I accept, that in order to be the mother I am meant to be, I need to seek His patience.  I accept, that if if want to be the leader He has allowed me to be, I need to let Him lead me.  And lastly, I accept, that if I do fall short of my expectations, I may need to ask Him for His expectations.  I don't set the bar, He does, and He won't set it higher than He will equip me to reach.

I love that my Lord allows me to be transparent and share my feelings with those who choose to read. What a blessing that people I care about can share my struggles and celebrate my praises.  I am so proud to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ, and I want to bless Him by sharing His love through all that I do.  He allows struggles so we can learn from them and use what we have learned to spur others along.  What a blessing to me.

My genuine thanks to those of you who read and pray for my family and me.